Success At Your Own Risk: The Monkey Bar Theory
By Christine OKelly | May 13, 2009
I’ve always avoided explaining why I break one “rule” of blogging that many people parrot by posting irregularly and infrequently, but here’s why: When I started this blog, I made a commitment to myself not to add to the noise pollution on the web by writing about anything that I didn’t have first hand experience with. I don’t want to bore you with regurgitated posts or writing about things that I speculate to be true. That, and I don’t want to be on Caroline Middlebrook’s list of 11 pointless blog posts that waste my time (one of my favorite blog posts of all time!)
Cutting the Crap and Getting Down to the Point: The Monkey Bar Theory
What the Hell is the Monkey Bar Theory? The Monkey Bar theory is something I’ve noticed after living a dual life of fear and risk-taking. In order to make big changes in life, you’ve got to let go of one monkey bar to harness the strength, fear, and resolve to jump to the next.
When I was first desperately trying to find a way to escape the cubicle, I wanted to make sure that I had one hand firmly positioned on the next “monkey bar” before letting go of the last. In that situation, the last monkey bar was my current job, and the one I was grasping for was entrepreneurial freedom. For 3 years, I hung stagnant between those two bars, with nothing but sleep deprivation, a few business plans, and a couple full stacks of glossy business cards to show for it.
Why didn’t it work? Because building a successful business is based on making some scary decisions. It requires action that will sometimes make your insides feel like rotten Jello and making decisions that will scare the crap out of you. In the past, when I had a hand on that other monkey bar, I would ‘conveniently’ get too busy at my ‘real’ job find some other excuse why I couldn’t make the final reach to that next bar. But when you don’t have anything else to hold on to, you will likely summon every ounce of gusto within your being to ensure you get a hold on that bar to avoid crashing down.
What it took for me to finally make the leap was for my ex-husband to have a 15-year premature midlife crisis, decide that we needed to leave the downtown San Diego 5-9 grind (intentionally transposed), and move to the cheapest place possible, which happened to be in the middle of nowhere in the California desert. If it weren’t for the fact that I was living a life dependent on two incomes and pretty much felt I “had” to go, I doubt that I would have ever had the cajones to make such a leap.
But it was that move… literally throwing myself into a situation where I had NO backup plan, NO family to bail me out and NO ‘decent’ jobs within 150 miles, that caused me to get my business off the ground.
Do I recommend being this extreme? For those that know they have what it takes to survive at any cost but can’t seem to harness that power — yes. Is it risky? Hell yes. Is it guaranteed? Hell no. Does it suck? For a while — yes. Is it worth it? Hell yes.
The Monkey Bar Theory and Love
For years, I was in a miserable marriage and wanted out. But I was afraid. Yep. Before I was the Self Made Chick, I had created a lifestyle that depended on two incomes, allowed said other income earner to ‘almost’ convince me that I was pretty much worthless and incapable of making on my own, and only dreamed of being able to support myself and two kids. In the back of my mind, I ‘hoped’ I would meet someone else — another monkey bar — to grab onto so that I could let go of that one. But I didn’t have the courage so I waited in limbo for years.
But when I started to have some success in business and some confidence in my ability to support myself, I finally let go of that monkey bar and did all those things that once seemed ’scary’ with no problem. And eventually, once I learned to love myself, and with space in my life I had the room to meet someone else.
How many people are in a loveless, unhealthy, unhappy relationship but too afraid to let go?
A Closet Full of Compromises…
There’s a reason why ‘the closet’ is such a strong metaphor for our lives. Within most of our closets is a biography of our compromises and insecurities. It’s a clear picture of how we cling to things that are no longer of use to us and that choke out room for new things to come into our lives.
I’d venture to guess that you, like me and many other people have closet guilt resulting a closet packed with clothes and things you don’t really need and that just don’t ‘feel’ right when you wear them. Perhaps even things that are dragging you down emotionally.
Do You Dare Take This Challenge?
A ’safe’ way to test out the monkey bar theory is to get rid of all but 3-5 pieces of clothing that truly represent you now and where you want to go in life. If you were to get rid of all of your clothing, I can almost guarantee that you would find the resources to fill your closet again. By making a conscious decision to only fill your closet with things you WANT, you would eventually create a new wardrobe of only things that you wanted.
Would wearing the same 3-5 things be embarrassing for a while? Probably. Would you feel tempted to fill your closet with just anything? Probably. Would you have to give up other things to find the resources to buy new clothes? Maybe. Or maybe you’d figure out some other way to create those resources. Would you feel great once your wardrobe was filled with clothes that defined you? Certainly.
On a simplistic level, the above scenario is similar to what it takes to build a business from scratch. It’s scary to make the choice to DO IT. It takes resolve to stand steadfast in your decision NOT to fill your time with things that won’t lead you to your ultimate goal.
It Get’s Easier, But Is Never EASY
Risk taking is a learned skill that gets easier with practice. But it’s never EASY. I’ve learned to become much more comfortable with taking calculated risks, but there is always an element of fear. I think that if we wait around and hope for courage or for something not to feel scary anymore, we are selling ourselves short! In fact, whenever I feel a bit of fear about losing, it feels exhilarating, because I know the result could be a big change.
Even so, I’m struggling right now with letting go of some things in my business and in my life. Are you? If so, why? When you talk it through, are your fears rational — or just as irrational as holding onto that old shirt in your closet that just makes you feel yucky when you put it on? Have you ever ‘let go’ and come out better for it?
Topics: Risk Taking |
38 Comments »
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Christine -
Good to see you again. You’re 100% right - you have to cut the cord & go full blast to make your business work.
And SO much easier said than done right? I signed up for your ‘early movers’ discount list today - nice!
What a great blog post! You grabbed me completely
I remember that fear about letting go and reaching. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the reference about monkey bars before though. Very good!
So good to meet you Kelly - I love your blog and your story!
Excellent post Christine - love the monkey bar theory!
Reminds me of one of my fav quotes:
“Everything can be achieved in small, deliberate steps. But there are times you need the courage to take a great leap; you can’t cross a chasm in two small jumps.” - David Lloyd George.
Loved your post.
Hey Anke!
You always have the most awesome and relevant quotes - thank you!
Cannot express how much I LOVED this post! So true, and on a side note, I think you and I would get along famously!
I know the fear of risk taking, but also the benefits of not being afraid to do what’s good for YOU. I also left a dead-end marriage and shortly after, a dead-end job. It was hard, lonely and I was broke for a long time. I’ll admit there were times I second guessed my decisions as well. But now I’ve met the most amazing man, have a fantastic new job (though I’m still in a cubicle, but at least my new boss isn’t a shovanistic pig anymore) and I’m working hard towards my goal of dumping the 9-5 life.
Thanks so much for the inspiration, I’m seriously going to go home and dump out the old clothes in my closet that I never wear anymore.
So great to meet you Holly!! I LOVE your story - LOVE IT! I agree, I think you and I are cut from the same cloth. Just subscribed to your blog feed and Twitter - yay!
Yay! That’s fantastic! I’m really looking forward to reading more from you and getting to know you better. Yay for meeting new amazing people!
No worries about only posting once in a while. I’ve got your RSS feed tagged as a favorite so I never miss a post. I agree that quality trumps quantity in the blogging world. I am experimenting with a page on my blog where I describe and link to interesting articles, but don’t add it to the RSS feed.
I like the monkey bar analogy. You could even take the idea a little further and say that once you start swinging, you get some momentum and crossing those gaps gets a little easier.
Oooh that’s really good Michael! It’s true, once you start swinging, it is so much easier to cross the gaps - and give you momentum to cross even bigger ones! Thanks for sharing
I live in “the middle of nowhere in the California desert.” This is “the cheapest place possible” or close to it. I hope you are nowhere near here. It is a life-sucking pit and has been my whole life. No good jobs, nothing to do. Mid-west attitudes. Poverty, gangs, despair. Long commutes.
I retired early from a stable but miserable govt job to start my own business. It’s not that easy in the wilderness. I was born in Sand Diego and would give anything to live there again. Those people are alive! What I see here is desperation, road rage and acquisition of objects designed to pacify us for not having what we really want, a real life (and better weather).
Maybe it’s easier to go from having to not having than it is to start out not having in the first place.
Sorry this seems so bleak but it is bleak here. Empty and soul-less (and I’m not talking religion).
OMG Diana - where do you live! That sounds exactly like where I moved to after leaving San Diego and before moving on. I live in La Quinta now and absolutely LOVE it. It’s a little beautiful little oasis in the desert in my opinion.
I whole-heartedly believe that your environment can have a dramatic impact on your personal energy level and outlook on life. Living in that middle of nowhere place (Westmorland to be exact) made building momentum and staying positive even more difficult. However, I do appreciate that place because I had to move somewhere ‘cheap’ in order to cut the ties to the job that was funding my overly priced downtown San Diego life and make the leap to being my own boss. So much as I didn’t like it, I appreciated the purpose it served for me. Do you have plans to move back to San Diego?
I live in…Lancaster in the Antelope Valley in the Mojave Desert. I hate to even admit it. I hate it. I’ve always hated it since high school. I didn’t get out like many of my friends (series of events kept me here). I went to college in LA to get a career, which I had and that’s behind me (23 years of it). Now I am still stuck here because the economy has limited our choices. We can’t sell our home, etc.
We would LOVE to move to SD. I’m from PB but anyplace west of the mountains would do. It’s the weather mostly we crave. And that people are happy to be there. Here it is always too hot too cold too windy or I’m allergic!
When we are down at the bay (we stay in our RV) we walk several times a day! Here not at all. maybe once a month we take the dogs out to the park. Last time I got sick form the air quality and wind.
I’d love to here how you got out of your cheap town. Are there posts you can refer me too? or would you care to chat a little on email sometime? I feel dreadfully stuck at the moment.
Wow Diana - that sounds exactly like the place I was at (physically and emotionally!) In order to get out of that place I put myself through somewhat of a personal boot camp and put a serious concentrated effort on growing my business. I got rid of TV, cell phones and other distractions. I woke up between 4am and 5am every morning and worked - then worked sometimes until 9 or 10 at night.
I wanted nothing more than to get out of there so this was not a sacrifice - every step meant one step closer to my goal. Eventually, I had grown my business enough to be able to escape… and I love where I’m at now. I’m still a workaholic, but I enjoy life a lot more now!
I think that when you make a goal so important that failure is just not an option, then any ’sacrifice’ seems enjoyable because it’s getting you closer to what you want…I KNOW you can do it if you put your mind to it!
That was a concentrated effort! I have a (not) small problem of having chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia so I have to pace my self and my energy. I could never work those hours (I wish!) When I was younger, before I got ill, it seemed I could do anything. Now, It’s take every day as it comes and do what I can that day.
But I know what you mean about sacrificing to get what you want. I need to find ways to make money that fit my new normal.
Will keep trying. Maybe my husband will luck out and find a job elsewhere and get us out of here. It could happen
[…] Success At Your Own Risk: The Monkey Bar Theory […]
I loved this! I’m going to keep the 11 pointless blog posts in mind for my own blog!
Thanks for the inspiring post. I am currently doing the balancing act between my job that pays the bills and my other business I am trying to build. I appreciate your perspective - thanks!
The Monkey Bar Theory is perfect!
I fell so many times, but when I made it, it was so worth it.
The Monkey Bar Theory. Wow! I have to say that the Monkey Bar Theory describes me perfectly but what if you are doing it out of necessity. I mean I just don’t see how it would be possible to step out of the cubicle at this time, after all I have 2 kids to feed, insurance is under my employment and I make more than my hubs. So when do you know its your turn to take the leap. Is it fear or being practical keeping me from moving on to the next bar.
In my experience by the time I’m ready to let things go they no longer carry any excitement for me. Fear is never rational is it? By its very definition its emotional. If we could only learn to follow our intuition and let things go at the first thought - we’d be far better off.
Wow, Christine, WOW! I just stumbled upon your blog today and I am inspired. I don’t plan on starting an internet business or anything, but your words are inspirational regardless. Thank you, I’m keeping you bookmarked. BTW, I couldn’t agree more re: La Quinta. We have our vacation home in Palm Desert and it is my oasis.
“It requires action that will sometimes make your insides feel like rotten Jello and making decisions that will scare the crap out of you.”
Oh, I’m so glad I found your blog. I’m right there, making the transition from the 9 to 5 (albeit a non-traditional 9 to 5) and starting my own business, and it’s terrifying! Thanks for the great post.
Hey Chris,
This fantastic. I love your monkey bar theory and I am going to apply it to my life. I have already set a goal to clean out my closet, bookshelf, and storage by the end of 2009. Give away or trash it, but it is going to be cleaned out. I have a Minolta XG-1 film camera with two zoom lenses, two teleconverters and a dedicated flash if anyone wants it. First come first served. Just pay the shipping and you can have it.
Thanks so much for the inspiration. I have my goals on my blog.
Christine, I love your blog. Thanks for this post. The wrung of the monkey bar that I reached for completely shattered and threw me into self-employment.
I had considered it, but had no back up plan whatsoever when I lost my job. It has been over 3 months now and I am going strong and I have busted out of the cube altogether.
Keep up the great work!
Thanks Matthew! Your comment really hit home for me — your situation sounds very similar to mine. Had things not have happened that “forced” me to either sink or swim on my own, I may not have ever made the leap to a full time entrepreneurial life. I have always desperately craved it — but even that wasn’t enough to overcome my fear enough to just walk away from a job. It took a drastic situation to get me to that point — and though it was hard as hell at first, I am SO glad I went through that discomfort. I cringe to think where I might be today had I stayed in corporate America…. a shell of myself I assume. So glad that you are going strong after 3 months — I love hearing stories like yours!
Hi Christine! This is my first time reading your blog and this post really hit home something that I often try to tell people, but it seems that entrepreneurs are the only ones that understand. You never know what you’re made off until you let go of that fear and HAVE to do something. I quit my job in March and I’ve been on the most exciting ride since then while traveling and building my businesses. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.
You don’t have to post everyday. I call posting everyday modern day slavery. The bloggers that try to post everyday work very hard to keep up. I would rather use that time to get more backlinks to my site or work on other sites that I have.
Really nice post! I can relate to your situation before. You’re not actually confused of what you really want, but you’re just scared of letting go. Fear of holding nothing at the end of the day if you let go with one bar and work out for the other one. Life, indeed, is a matter of choice. Study hard all the possible consequences before making final decision.
Great post. You’re absolutely right. Without risk, you can’t take the actions that can greatly improve your life. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go for it.
Sometimes you just need the fear. The greatest motivation is necessity and this post attests to that. Everyone has hung on to the bar a little too long or leaped before they should have and it’s good to hear from a success.
I love your blog. You had inspired a post on my own blog about 18 months ago.
Currently, I’m on a hiatus from blogging and had resurrected the old post you had inspired to plop some “fresh” content out there for my readers.
I clicked through from that post back to your blog today and realized just how much I enjoyed your blog, your writing style, your message.
You really have it nailed. You never cease to inspire me.
The monkey bar analogy is excellent. Though I have been an self-employed since 1996, there are still things I find I am holding onto that block my growth and expansion. I am finding I may have to betray others in order to be true to my own soul. Scary but I know it will be worth it.
I like your insights about the money bar. It’s been more than a year, since I worked online, but I must admit that can’t still earn my first dollar from my projects. Maybe it’s because lack of resources and funding as well. Even that’s the case, I’m still hoping to be successful building my own career online.
Working online isn’t that easy as many people think about it. Actually, in order to be successful online, you need to be focus and to work hard. Otherwise, you will be stuck in what you’re currently doing right now. Hopefully, all of us will be successful in our online business.
So glad to have found your blog (signed up for the rss feed today as well). I am right where you are describing— fully swung to a new rung— no turning back. It is very scary at times but always reassuring to touch base with people who have been there too!
Some great insight has gone into this post. Sometimes its the adrenaline that fear gives us that drives us to succeed.
Great post. Thanks