How I Dug Myself Out Of The Lowest Pits in My Life
By Christine OKelly | October 29, 2008
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There was a time when I was so broke that I actually ate donuts out of a trash bin behind a store that my boyfriend and I found while walking back to our squat (homeless camp) at the beach. Not joking. To my credit, they were double bagged in a clear garbage bag. (Though this may sound wretched, it was actually glorious! When we arrived at the squat with this beautiful bag of donuts, our neighbors were absolutely thrilled and the score was cause for celebration!)
Although my dumpster-diving squatting days were ‘physically’ the lowest I’ve ever been, they weren’t the most difficult times to overcome. The reason is that I was in a positive mental state at that time. I believed that anything was possible and therefore, it was quite easy to move on once I decided I was ready. It was the times that I was mentally and emotionally buried and beaten that were pure hell… a pit I thought I might never escape from.
I get a lot of email from people who say that they are feeling this way. I know what it feels like to be so afraid to lose what little you have, yet so dissatisfied with your life at the same time. It’s a hellish existence.
I don’t know how it is for others, but there is something about being truly down and depressed that made me even less receptive to want to take action to change. Any advice just seemed hollow, and to somehow mock my personal hell. Struggling out of a truly dark pit in life feels like I imagine it feels to try and escape from quicksand. The more you try to get out, the more you’re pulled down. It’s just easier to sit there and do nothing and stagnate in it.
My goal with this post is to share some of ways that I overcame the challenges of feeling so down and out that I was nearly demobilized. I still use many of these tactics today to keep myself in the a forward-moving mindset.
Take Aggressive Action To Remove All Negativity From Your Life
When we ourselves are in a negative state of being, it seems we surround ourselves with negative people and negative things. I made an aggressive stand to remove all of these things from my life. This included:
- Strict information diet – I turned OFF cable - no more news shows with hours of coverage of horrible things, no more Forensic Files. These are the things I was drawn to when feeling down. I spent the time I once spent doing those things plowing through my goals, reading things with a positive focus, or doing brain puzzles to keep my mind occupied.
- Removing all negative people from my life – I isolated myself not only from negative people, but also from those who weren’t filled with a positive outlook on life by moving and changing my phone number.
- Getting rid of clutter – “Stuff” can carry a lot of memories. I got rid of everything that I didn’t absolutely love and didn’t serve a purpose. If it had negative memories attached to it, I got rid of it even if it did serve a purpose.
Examine Your Life in “Slices”
A lot of what makes us afraid is what we think “might” happen. Worrying about things that might happen can bring about terrible anxiety. I would ask myself, “What is so bad about TODAY?” Sometimes, when there were daily struggles, I would ask myself “Is anything wrong this exact MOMENT?” When I examined a small sliver of time in this way, I often found that nothing was really all that terrible. At any given moment I was alive, not in pain, in a safe environment, etc.
Get Your Brain Chemistry, Health, And Inner Demons Under Control
Getting your health and your demons under control might be one of the most difficult things to motivate yourself to do… until the ball gets rolling. By health and demons, I mean chemical imbalances, physical deficiencies and aliments, addictions, and past traumas.
Brain chemistry is a powerful thing. Having any type of chemical imbalance, no matter how small, can make life much more difficult than it needs to be. I used to believe that I could use ‘mind over matter’ to overcome anything. I thought that anti-depressants and other types of medication were for people who were too lazy or too unmotivated to change. But now I think differently. At some point I realized that we are so fortunate to live in a time and place where there are ways to balance your brain chemistry and affordable ways to access these things. I thought… if I CAN regulate my brain chemistry… why won’t I? Why am I choosing to make things more difficult for myself?
Even not having the proper levels of vitamins in our bodies can drag us down. If you’re eating poorly, isn’t it worth it to eat better and take vitamin supplements if it will make you perform better? Eating crappy food is an addictive habit – I know because I can easily become that way! Eating food that is good for you sucks – until you get used to it – then it feels great.
Many people suffer from addictions that they know damn well are hindering their life and their progress. Some people are hung up on things from the past that, until they are confronted, will not allow them the freedom to move forward. Hoping to get ahead without addressing either of these things is like swimming upstream in a downstream current.
Tackling these things might mean seeing a doctor, seeing a nutritionist, or joining a support group, depending on your views and your situation. If you’re like me, and probably like most people, you will fight yourself to take action against these deep-rooted things. But refusing to take action is essentially making a conscious decision NOT to get where you want to be in life.
Vigilantly Forge Ahead With Goals – Even If It Seems Like You’re Not Getting Anywhere
One thing that I’ve learned over the years of owning my own business is that many things you try won’t work and that results come from an accumulation of efforts. You may not see the effect of something small you do today, but doing a few small things today adds up tremendously over time. If you only took 2 meaningful actions per day toward your big goal, in a year’s time, you would have accomplished 730 steps toward progress. Not all 730 will have worked. In fact, maybe only 1% of those things (7) had a major impact that moved you closer to your goal. But if you had only taken 50 actions in that same year…well, 1% of 50 doesn’t even amount to 1.
It can make you feel like huge loser to continue to chip away at goals and try things with no results – if you let it. Or, you can think that the more things you try that DON’T work, the higher the odds are that at least a small percentage of them will. Sometimes, it only takes one big break.
That may mean trying lots of different business models (for example several different revenue generation streams) or mean trying to promote your own business trying lots of strategies. It depends on what you’re goals are.
I’ve spent plenty of time doing things that didn’t really amount to anything. But a small fraction of those things really took off and that’s what made all the difference.
Thank You’s And New Stuff
We just launched our first Wordpress Widget! It’s called “Online Now” and if you’ve read to this point, you’re probably looking at it in the sidebar. It gives a count of how many visitors are on your site now, how many have been online collectively throughout the day, and the countries where the last 5 visitors were viewing from. Get the Online Now Wordpress Widget here, free ~
I’d also like to extend a big thank you to Elizabeth Ashe of Internet Marketing Strategy Diva for taking the time to do an interview with me for her podcast listeners about SEO copywriting. Thanks Elizabeth!
Topics: Freelancer Tips |
62 Comments »
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Thank you for stating this one in black and white. I see way too many people sit there with serious issues and say, “I’ll get over it. I’ll work on it. I’ll figure it out.”
Jesus. Just stop it. Get help. Ask someone. See a therapist. Call a counselor. Find a doctor.
DO something about it.
James - Thank you! I was really hoping that this part in particular would resonate with some people.
I wasted a lot of time being one of those people you describe here - why?!?
I’ve been where you went. After my second child was born, depression set in during what should have been one of the happiest times in my life. It took nine months to get out of it, thanks to some changes and a rockin’ support group.
One of the most important things I’ve learned over the years is to get rid of toxic relationships. Those relationships drag you down instead of building you up.
Wishing you even more brighter days ahead.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Karen! I totally understand what you are saying - I have a feeling this is more prevalent than we realize… and I completely agree with what you say about removing yourself from toxic relationships… some people can literally be like a poison to us - I’ve been there for sure! Sometimes, it’s not even that either person is “bad” - but the combination is!
Congrats to you for having the courage to face your dark times head on!
What surprises me most is your power blossom. I’m aspiring to successful man and professional too and sometimes I find hard to take full control over my actions.
This statement of yours is a wonderful message. Thanks for sharing! Now I see what “Self made chick” means
Wow José - thank you! It is difficult sometimes to take ownership of our actions - but if we don’t who will right? Rock on!
Turning off the information is so huge. You need to quiet everything else and listen to what’s going on inside of you. You have all of the answers, it’s just putting them in front of you that will be the kicker.
Thanks so much Christine!
Right on Joshua! I really feel like making my life “quieter” and strictly controlling the information I consumed made a massive difference. If you are constantly bombarded with negative, scary, information - it’s difficult not to become negative and scared about life! Cutting out news shows was the very first thing I did… and it made a BIG difference. If we consume the same information that everyone else does (same shows, same points of view, etc.) then its easy to just end up thinking like everyone else and to miss the wonderful experience of having our own original thoughts.
I love what you say here “You have all of the answers, it’s just putting them in front of you that will be the kicker.” That’s awesome…
I know you are a strong person, but reading this reminds me yet again how far you truly have come and how much you have to be proud of. Not many people can say that they have gone from dumpster diving to owning and running their own successful companies!
Thanks for continuing to inspire us all to be better people!
Thank you Tara - not just for your kind comment, but for being the best business partner I could ever ask for!
Great post!! I’m struggling with the issues that you talked about in the “Slices” section. I always think WAY too far ahead, and start worrying about things that don’t mean a thing. Since I’m trying to change careers, this can really hinder progress. I really do need to step back and focus on how everything is “ok” in the present, then move on from there. Thanks for that awesome little tip!!
Jason - I’m so glad that tip resonated with you! That little trick has helped me tremendously. It sounds so simple… but it can be so powerful…
Removing negative people from your life is a big one for me. I reached a point in my life that I realized I had to do that. So much so that I moved half way across the country to do. (Which because I had little money and no job got rid of the cable and the clutter.)
It has been ten years since I made that move and I’ve never once regretted it. It was very hard to do because I left behind a lot of good friends. Since then I have worked with a lot of people who are in crisis and the biggest reason they don’t move forward is because of their peers.
Life is about people. Be choose to be around good positive people to have a good positive life.
Congrats to you Daryle for taking that huge step… I did the same thing (moved across the country and left everyone and everything I knew) and like you - never regretted it.
“Life is about people. Be choose to be around good positive people to have a good positive life.” <– Those are POWERFUL words… thank you for sharing that - I think we all need to be reminded of that on a regular basis and take inventory of who we surround ourselves with… thank you!
This really helped me…although my life may look “GREAT” to others…I am not really happy…and instead of being one of those people like you described—”mind over matter”—trust me that’s where I am now
I am going to get help ( career coach, diet help )…thanks for this post!
I hear ya Mashawnda! I thought that for sooo long. And not only did I not get ahead, I beat myself up along the way for being unsuccessful. Congrats to you for taking a stand to improve your life!
Amazing story! I cannot even fathom what you had to go through to get where you are today. It really shows that if you’re determined and persistent you can (and usually will) get where you want to be.
Thank you Deron! Sometimes I think having been SO down and out was actually a benefit! It’s easier to take risks when there is nothing to lose - and a good exercise in risk-taking I guess!
Yeah I would say you’re right about that even though I can’t imagine how hard it was for you or even say that I think I could go through it and come out ahead. I’m not sure I could.
As the saying goes, adversity builds character.
Thanks, Christine.
Talk to you soon.
Thank YOU Elizabeth - looking forward to your SEO book!
This was an absolutely brilliant post!
Thank you so much for the honesty of your personal journey.
Looking after one’s health is so important. Put the good stuff in your engine so that you are giving yourself the best opportunity to succeed.
Also, the comment made by Daryle is spot on. I’ve had to cut some chords myself (quite recently as a matter of fact). It would break my heart sometimes. I had a friend who had loads of talent but doubted herself. And… she hung out with people that didn’t actually want her to try something new because then it would remind them of the things that they were doing in their lives to reach for their own personal excellence. It was as if she couldn’t get enough escape velocity to move in a newer, more helpful direction for herself. She was afraid of what these people would think of her. She rationalised that because they had been in her life for a long time, that that was reason enough to keep them around.
You’ve got to surround yourself with people who will say to you, even when you are afraid of trying something new and they may be afraid of trying something new, ‘We can do this. We’re going to be okay.’
Again, thanks for all of your wonderful words!
Deirdre - your comment really captures the human side about what makes it so difficult to cut chords with people who bring us down. “Heart breaking” - ouch! But so true…
Regardless of the fact that we intellectually know we should remove ourselves from the presence of some people, it can seem emotionally impossible. It takes a LOT of inner courage to part ways with people who aren’t moving you in the direction you want to go. Congrats to you for your bold move!!
Christine,
Thank you so much for your post. It is just what I needed today. The layoff hatchet is hanging over everyone at work this week. Many of us are likely to be let go. The negativity of the constant economic news just makes it worse. I am going to take your advice and stop reading the economic doom and gloom. I also realized I need to get myself out of the Big Company Defines Who I Am mindset. It has been bothering me for so long, but I only take infrequent steps to change it. No more!
For a good read on keeping your brain chemistry in balance, see Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel Amen. It is amazing how the right nutrition and medication can completely change your life. I know I have seen it in myself and other family members.
Michael - Thank you so much for the link to Daniel Amen’s book - I will DEFINITELY check that out. Ooohh.. the layoff/economy issue… sometimes I think that the collective fear of it all is propelling a good chunk of the problem! I have purposefully gone out of my way NOT to listen to listen to any news about this or engage in any conversations about the subject. Personally, I haven’t felt any serious effects of a troubled economy. I’m more afraid of BEING AFRAID about it than actually reacting to it.
I love what you say here: “I need to get myself out of the Big Company Defines Who I Am mindset.” Oh man… I was there… when I left, I went through a period of not even knowing who I was because I had always been defined by someone else… but now I’ve found/am finding my own way - and it’s wonderful. I am so excited for you to take the same journey!!
Truly and inspiring post. The suggestions you made are very practical and indeed can be applied by others who are in a similar situation.
Added to digg:
http://selfmadechick.com/2008/10/29/how-i-dug-myself-out-of-the-lowest-pits-in-my-life/
Shamelle
Ops the link :
http://digg.com/educational/How_I_Dug_Myself_Out_Of_The_Lowest_Pits_in_My_Life
Thank you so much for the Digg Shamelle!
Outstanding post! I agree that one of the most important (and difficult) actions that you mentioned was to remove yourself from the influence of negative people. It’s so hard to do completely and I’m impressed that you did it. I’m inspired by your breakdown of 730 actions per year; it seems like a lot when you describe it like that! I think I’m beginning an upswing. Thank you for a motivating and realistic article.
Thank you Jon! Looks like you’ve been taking action too… is that your book for sale on your site?!? wow!
Great post!.
Thanks Seralathan - awesome blog - can’t wait to see some more pics!
Nice post Christine.
I can definitely relate to what you wrote about how depression can demobilize you….I have been there myself once or twice. I think in those situations it is crucial to remember that it’s all about momentum, and often times the only thing required to get yourself moving in a positive direction again is to take an action, any action at all, even when it’s the last thing you want to do.
Great writing, when’s the self-help book coming?
These are incredibly wise words Conrad… “it’s all about momentum, and often times the only thing required to get yourself moving in a positive direction again is to take an action, any action at all, even when it’s the last thing you want to do.”… wow - that’s powerful!!!!
Christine:
Excellent post. I feel like this is just what I needed to get myself into gear, as I’ve been slightly down over the last couple days. Thank you.
Great to meet you Eric! Isn’t it crazy how life goes up and down? I’m so glad you found some inspiration in this post! BTW… love your ‘about’ title on your blog… “lifestyle designer”… that’s awesome!
Great Article Christine !
My parents used to participate, organize and sometimes even be the speakers in a lot of personality-development and positive-attitude related seminars and workshops.
So in our family we did similar things mentioned above, we cut the bad stuff of tv, newspaper, did meditation, did positive self talk, and things were certainly different.
Untill recently i lived in my college hostel for nearly 2 yrs, the place was with filled with hundreds of students, and there was almost never a moment when i got bored or felt lonely. But again too much is too bad, there was a lot of negativity and distractions. So i vacated hostel, and lived seperately. Thou this cut the time i spent with friends after college, i now have more free time than i could have otherwise had, which i happily spend on my studies, career, hobbies, and freelancing.
It has obviously worked for you Kalyan! (Everyone, meet Kalyan - the developer of this wonderful widget mentioned in the post!) You are a truly gifted programmer and so wonderful to work with!!
Thanks for this post, Christine. You’ve pointed out some very valid information. Eliminating negativity from our lives is huge. I stay away from the news, reality shows, actually - tv in general. It wastes my time and energy.
My challenge is goal setting. I plod along without a real direction toward the prize. I see the importance - time to set some goals.
Thanks for sharing such personal information - it helps a lot to see the “real” people
Lisa - kudos to you for having identified what might be getting in your way! Sometimes, I’ve found that just writing things that I want down in a notebook is enough goal setting for me - it doesn’t need to be a big production. Just getting it on paper makes it something “real” that you’re working toward. It’s great to meet you!!
Aloha!
I love your open and honest style. I will be reading your book tonight…I have been both in and out of the cube (had brick and mortar… shops also known as and ball and chain shops!…divorced both the shops and the husband and have had a string of JOBS to keep the plates spinning). I am ready to make my web based business a reality. Thanks for making your info so readily available!
I’ll check back in after reading.
Best of everything to you Christine! You are making a real difference!!!!!
Aloha~ Gina
Gina - with your energy and obvious good nature, there is no reason why you can’t make that web based business a success! The one thing about working for yourself is that there aren’t always those “instant gratification” moments like you get in cube-land - sometimes you have to plug away for quite some time to get the carrot at the end of the stick… but you’re used to that being a mom!!
Aloha!
Wow you have totally impressed me….you respond to everyone…yes you have it totally together. Only question I have is how did you know I was a mom…I know I look the part yet we have not yet met!
The book was Fabulous and I hope you keep more coming.
Please keep the inspiration flowing.
I have to run…I have email inspiration due for my website and suddenly contract to read re writing for a website….YEP just since I read your book and took ACTION!
Be well and Mahalo for being who you are!
Aloha~ Gina
Lol - Hi Gina! I honestly don’t know!! I thought you mentioned it in your comment - but reading back I see that you didn’t!
Thanks for your kinds words - and I’m so glad to hear that you are taking ACTION!! Keep us posted on your (ad)ventures in online business!
What an amazing and life-changing post! I’ve always been waiting for something bad to happen before I finally starting making the positive changes you talk about, but I just realized that a lot of really bad things have happened already and I need to stop waiting and just do it now!
I’m not at the bottom of my pit, but I’m pretty close. I don’t want to stick around and see what the bottom looks like so I’m going to keep coming back to this post and using it for inspiration and motivation. Thank you!
Love the new widget by the way
That’s awesome Cassie! You are so right - there really is no “right” time to make a change… you’ve just got to do it!!
Your article hits home. I’ve been depressed for several years (since high school) and lack a stable caring family or support system of friends. I’ve never had a GF or been kissed before and I’m almost 30 damn years old now. I’m just too timid and shy and instead just spend all weekend watching tv or playing online games. I know if I can get enough money I could probably make a change, but it’s hard. I really just don’t know what I’m doing wrong, although I sort of do know, but that can’t be changed without a bit of money.
I noticed you mentioned you had to move. I think I may have to do the same in order to get out of this rut. Everything about this city reminds me of the negativity I had when growing up with self-centered dominating masochistic parents. I’ve always promised myself when I get married/have kids I’ll never treat them the way I got treated. It can mess you up for life and before you know it half of it is gone already…
Oh Lonely! I’ve been thinking about your comment all day! I want you to fly out here so I can take you out on the town to meet some people and mingle!
I have gotten into those ruts… I was like that last year actually… after years of a crappy marriage, working non-stop, moving around a lot, and having 2 little kids, I didn’t really know anyone. Then one night I just decided… screw it! I’m going out by myself! I met some AWESOME people that night - great friends that I still hang out with - It took a bit of courage to just go out alone - but there are lots of people that do it… it’s actually better that way! Its ok to look a little uncomfortable - us girls kinda like that!!
Hey dude,
I know a bit about where you are coming from.
Meeting new people isn’t always easy.
But I’m going to share an idea with you that I have been trying myself with some success.
I love films and gaming. I live in a large city so that helps me to find film groups that I am able to go to on my own without feeling weird.
Also, there are a few groups that I have found where people either play games together on their Nintendo DSs or they discuss the games that they are playing.
I always find it easier to meet people when I go something in which people get together around a common interest. This also helps me because I am more motivated to try to meet people as I want to learn what other people thing about things.
That is another thing that has helped me to: when I go out on my own, I’m able to focus less on my discomfort, by thinking about what I want to ask or learn about other people.
I think you have a point about moving elsewhere. Making a fresh start elsewhere can really help.
You’re going to be okay but you have to believe that you want to be okay. Often, when one is in a major depression, there is a tendency to live in the past and re-live the past. Or to think that there isn’t a future. Try to focus on the present- this very moment. Push all those other unhelpful thoughts out of your mind and just focus on chopping those carrots or washing the dishes.
Little changes and actions can have big ripples. If you don’t have a friend or family support network, maybe there might be a counselor or therapist that could help you whilst you heal.
All the best to you. You can do it.
Sorry Lonely,
I forget to include a hyperlink.
I used Meet Up (www.meetup.com) to find a group of Nintendo DS players in my area. This is such a cool resource. I’ve found all sort of people who share my interest. I have even found groups that meet to help each others personal development.
Again, all the best to you.
you are so incredible…im tasting every sentence like its that donut up there..slowly and enjoying.
OMG Comeback Girl!! I am completely captivated by the “Everyone has a story” part of your about page!! Wow! I would LOVE to do what that journalist did that you remember as a kid - wow!! Like you, I am also fascinated by what people have in their pockets or their purse - or even what’s on their desk at any given moment. It paints such a vivid story of their lives - I can tell we are kindred spirits!
The hardest step is removing negative people from your life. Often they’ll be friends that you’ve drawn close to due to shared difficulties or a similarly gloomy outlook on life.
It’s also painful (and educational) if you ever see this happening to you, and are honest enough to notice it. I know I’ve benefited a couple of times in my life from friends saying essentially ’shape up or I’m shipping out’, even if it didn’t feel constructive at the time.
You are so right Monevator - removing negative people from your life is tough! People are like a drug… they make us FEEL a certain way and then we get addicted to that feeling - even if it is hurting us. It’s so much easier said than done!
*big hugs* and thank you! I struggle with issues just like these and really resonated with this post. I needed it today. I’m bipolar and in September last year I got help and got medicated. At the time it was wonderful and for several months I felt human. Then it just didn’t ‘feel’ like it was working any more so I stopped taking my medication.
I’ve been on that edge wondering what to do and where to go now. I’ve thought maybe going back on the medication would help but then other parts of me say it won’t. Reading your entry today really got me thinking.
Especially this: “If I CAN regulate my brain chemistry… why won’t I? Why am I choosing to make things more difficult for myself?”
This morning, shorting after reading this I pulled my meds out of the cupboard and took one. I’ll take my medication again tomorrow, and the day after. It mightn’t be the miracle cure I once thought it was but it does help ‘regulate my brain chemistry’. I guess that is a step toward creating more balance in my entire life.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing your story Rebecca!! I totally understand your reasoning for stopping once you felt better - I’ve done that too! I think we just want to believe that we don’t need anything - but I’ve decided… It’s ok if you do!! You just completely made my day…
This is really, really, a good article.
It takes daily vigilance to get the negativity out of your life and thought process.
Thank you Dennis! It certainly does take daily vigilance to get the negativity out of your life and thought process - at first - and especially if it’s been building up for years! After a while, I’ve found, once your thoughts are positive, it’s a lot easier to keep them that way than to ‘clean house’ the first time!
Hi Christine! I just got off the phone with my mom, complaining about exactly what you’ve written about. I literally was just obsessing over how nothing was working no matter how I was trying to land freelance gigs or apply to jobs (same old story as always ::sigh::), and it reminded me that I hadn’t looked at your blog in so long.
I was so excited to see you had updated, and that this topic miraculously aligned with exactly what I’m going through. You are a reminder to persevere and keep trying even when it feels like you’re just digging in a deeper hole. Eventually someone or something is going to come along and lift you out of it. You might come out looking a bit disheveled and muddy, but you’ll get cleaned up and be able to climb over the mountain of crap you shoveled out and discarded.
How’s that for a metaphor? haha. Miss you and hope all is continuing to go well for you and Tara!
Oh Lesley! You are so talented and write in such a fun style. I have now doubt that you will be very successful. When I first ready your blog, I thought, ‘holy crap… this chick should be writing product descriptions or sales copy for products!’ Thanks for touching base - I’ll be in touch!
Hey Christine,
I don’t know where I’ve been, but I just now found your site and was reading while I was waiting for my e-book to print (yes, I print e-books out to read) and when you said
“I know what it feels like to be so afraid to lose what little you have, yet so dissatisfied with your life at the same time.”
That really hit me. I had to go back to work after being a stay at home mom for 8 years due to a personal financial crisis, and it has been killing me. I hate being away from my kids, but I’m afraid to lose what little I have - I didn’t mind being poor when I was at home, but the thought of being homeless with kids terrifys me. So I found your e-book as I was looking for a way for me to come back home and work. I can tell by your writing that I will be back here a lot- and hopefully I will be back at home by the end of the year! Thanks for going through it first so that I can follow in your foot steps! (And I love that you used a great big donut on this post - classic!)
Thanks again!
Stefani
Hi Stefani - I so relate to what you’re saying here! In fact, your comment inspired my newest post about facing that fear of losing what little you have to strive for something better. Great to meet you!