Hunting Down and Exposing Deep Dark Challenges
By Christine OKelly | May 3, 2008
The insatiable drive to achieve higher levels of success is perhaps human nature at it’s finest - and the reason why we have progressed as far as we have, as fast as we have. However, the natural urge to push ahead challenges another powerful natural instinct - to remain safe and comfortable. Oftentimes, we must battle one of our own instincts in order to satisfy another.
Photo by Lu Barcelos
We all have our dark, personal challenges - the challenges that we are most afraid to admit or to face. These deep, dark inner struggles can prevent us from ever achieving our vision of success if we let them. Not believing that these exist or that you have them is easier than believing it — when we refuse to accept it, we can go through life believing we are doing “everything we can” and wondering why some people “get all the luck.”
I imagine that many of you reading this “know” this one a cognitive level, yet you may still be denying it on a very primal level.
I know this is true for me. I constantly battle with first identifying and then knocking out these deep seeded fears that challenge my ability to achieve my vision of success.
The problem with our deepest challenges, is that they are often so latent that we don’t even know they exist and therefore we don’t know how to tackle them.
For the past several weeks, I’ve been pushing beyond my comfort zone. It has been exciting, uncomfortable, and exhilarating all at the same time. In this post, I’ll share some techniques I have used recently and in the past to hunt down and tackle my innermost fears and challenges:
Note: None of these suggestions will be of any value whatsoever without ACTION. All require pulling the damn trigger, and making the tough choices to go after what you want with vigilance.
Bring More Silence Into Your Life
When I first left my job, I cut off most forms of information from my life. I had no television, stopped listening to music on the radio, ditched my cell phone, and moved far away from anyone I knew. This lasted for about 2 years. I’ve mentioned this before, but I never mentioned why.
I wanted to create a silence so that I could better hear my own thoughts. Without any way to drown these thoughts with pointless noise, I was forced to deal with them in the silence of my own mind. It is much easier to find your own challenges without the constant drone of television, radio, or long chit-chatty phone conversations to take your mind off of the problem.
I’m not suggesting that this is the right path for everyone, but instead to become comfortable with silence. Try spending an hour or more in silence every day. If we allow ourselves to be constantly fed information, then we never have the time to discover our own.
Force Accountability Upon Yourself
Right now there are things you are avoiding that you KNOW damn well will get you closer to your goal. Yet you’re not doing them. I know this because I do the same thing. You’re probably avoiding them because just below the surface lurks a big nasty fear that you don’t want to face. Other people have achieved these things. These things are not impossible. These are things that only seem impossible to you right now because of your current way of thinking about the situation.
If you’ve set goals for certain things and regularly blown them off, it may be time to bring in someone else to hold you accountable. For example, I know that I will regularly blow off working out if I don’t have someone to hold me accountable. After years of blowing it off, I hired a personal trainer to keep me in line. If I don’t go, I disappoint Nik and he charges me for the time of his that I wasted. It hurts my pride and it hurts my checkbook if I don’t go, so I go.
Publicly challenging myself to make $20,000 in passive income this year is another way I’ve held myself accountable. I don’t want to look like an a$$, and that has kept me plugging away on this project that I’ve wanted to slack off on plenty of times. The reason for wanting to slack wasn’t out of laziness, it’s because the entire process has forced me to combat another deep dark fear that lurks in the very core of my being. If I wouldn’t have forced accountability upon myself, I would have probably found an excuse about why I never completed the project.
Have Someone Call You Out on Your Own Lies
The challenges we are most afraid to face - the ones that truly hold us back - are often so much a part of our personality and belief system that they are invisible to us. However, others can see the actions we are doing to cover up these inadequacies. If you really want to know what’s holding you back, maybe it’s time to ask someone the hard questions - the ones you don’t really want the answers to.
Since taking Dave Navarro’s time management challenge, I uncovered a cave of dark challenges - a scene very similar to turning over a railroad tie and finding a horde of wriggling worms and critters scurrying to find darkness again.
My lie was that I was “too busy” to take on the challenges I knew I needed to take in order to get to the next level. I created that lie by filling my time with busywork that wasn’t entirely necessary. Once Dave showed me how to free up my time so that being “too busy” would no longer be a valid excuse, I was left to stare my own deepest inadequacies right in the face.
Over the past month, I’ve been incredibly busy - but I’ve been busy acting on Dave’s advice and therefore creating a plan of action that will get me to the next level. I suspect that the “too busy” lie is one that many people hide behind. If you’re “too busy” then you don’t have time to face all the hard challenges that you already know need to be done.
Topics: Business Development |
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Fascinating. Thanks Christine.
“If we allow ourselves to be constantly fed information, then we never have the time to discover our own.”
Lately I’ve been wondering if my incessant reading has caused me to lose my own voice.
Sometimes I worry about that as well. Reading can be active, but if there’s too much to read then I don’t have the time (I think) to be active about it. I just absorb a little and move on.
Stephanie and Mrs. Micah - Isn’t it so much easier to ingest information than to give ourselves time to think our own original thoughts? Before I went on my ‘information diet’ I had to have some kind of noise in the background ALL the time. Now I thrive on silence and it’s so nice…
So true…Very often when we are Not taking the business to the next level, its usually our thinking and mindset that is stopping us (and not the business)….This was definitely true in my case as well.
Sandy
Absolutely Sandy - we may convince ourselves that it is the business that is stopping us - but most of the time it is really we who are in our own way. Discovering that is half the battle. Then once we know that WE are in the way… we need to find out WHY and how to get out of our own way.
Thanks for sharing!
Christine
Turning 30 was a rather large step in my life, I was going through my mid-life crisis. Coming to realizations of why I was, where I was, made me realize where I wanted to be and how I was going to get there. All of these realizations came to me after work, sitting on the toilet in complete silence. I wasn’t using the toilet to take care of any business, it was just easier to find silence in the bathroom and not be tempted by CNN (Bushie had just invaded Iraq). At that moment in my life Godsmack’s, “Serenity” was my favorite last song to play. It’s nice to see that I am on the same level as someone else. Thanks.
LOL Jason! What a great place to have a revolutionary discovery - that is great.
CNN and all of those 24 hour news channels are my nemesis! Those were the first to go even before I cut out the TV altogether. If you watch too much of that stuff you can start to believe that the world is a really terrible place.
Ohhh, how exciting!
Yes, it did sound like you were describing a place I have let myself go before.
“Right now there are things you are avoiding that you KNOW damn well will get you closer to your goal. Yet you’re not doing them. I know this because I do the same thing. You’re probably avoiding them because just below the surface lurks a big nasty fear that you don’t want to face.”
I have personally developed a secret weapon against this “monster” below the surface. It’s amazing how powerless this monster becomes when you bring it out into the light and remove all tolerance and agitation whereever this monster lives. This monster of fear cannot survive when exposed and when the environment is in order.
Christine, I celebrate your journey! Well done to you and your coach. Keep exposing those monsterous fears that weigh you down!
Yes! That’s exactly it Melody. First you have to flush it out of hiding and then it’s not so powerful anymore. The harder part seems to be finding it…
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective!
Nice post, and yes, I can relate. Silence, Accountability, and Honesty. These things will make all the difference. Thanks for giving me a push to do this in my own life. Good for you for sticking with your goals
Great way to sum this post up in 3 words Lisa… Silence, Accountability, and Honesty. When you break it down to the bare essentials, it sounds like a recipe for a well-balanced life - and isn’t that what we’re all really after anyway? Arriving at this state is a success all on its own. Thank you!
I think there is a period of apparent no-growth before a big growth comes, both in personal life and in business. It’s when we face ourselves and do everything we know to do, learn more, and bear the stress of no-growth. I call it the cocoon period. It’s actually a huge internal growth time; nonetheless it is quite scary to go into the cocoon. Many would rather stay as caterpillar while saying they want to fly.
I’m in the cocoon now. Sounds like you are in your mini cocoon, Christine (your big one was of course when you quit your corporate job.)Fly out beautiful, friend.
Akemi - you have such a beautiful way of explaining things. This is a wonderful metaphor… wow.
Found you through Dave. Diagonal reader here. It took me maybe two seconds to decide to buy your ebook after a VERY quick spin around here. And yep. Subscribing too. Bien fait. Good job. Now must go read what the raves are about…
al best, Jan
Nice to meet you Janice! As you might have noticed, I’m a big fan of Dave’s! Through his time management tools, I uncovered something more than just a few extra hours in my day… but more importantly, the reason WHY I had filled up my time beyond what I could manage. That was the real breakthrough!
Great post Christine. I love reading about your current path, because I will be following my own like it very soon. Going to make a shift and looking forward to it, but scared as well.
I’m with you on the silence thing. I don’t read the newspaper or watch the news. I call it living in ‘ignorant bliss’.
If anything really important happens, I hear about it one way or other. When I do see too much news it really affects me in a negative way and I don’t need that. I have to believe there is still good in the world.
Look forward to all your posts, thanks.
I like that Karen - “ignorant bliss” I experienced the same thing - that obsessing over news had a very negative impact on me. I once thought that it was “responsible” to watch the news. But “news” is a subjective term. There are other ways to get news.
The final straw for me was when they continued to incessantly replay a video of a guy who was decapitated in Iraq at the beginning of the war… I couldn’t shake the images replaying in my own mind for weeks! What was worse was that, on a deeper level, it was making me more fearful of the world than was necessary or useful to me. When I realized there was nothing I could do about most of it, I decided that watching this stuff was really some sort of self punishment - and I’ve been enjoying ignorant bliss ever since!
Christine -
Glad to be of service.
Me too Dave! Your new blog is rockin (all - go check it out www.rockyourday.com)
You must have read my mind! It seems like a regular occurrence here lately, me blowing things off that I need to get done to take myself one step closer to where I want to be. I’m always to busy to blog or develop a new site idea or “I’ll do it later” and then before I know it it’s late and and I’m to tired to really focus and get anything done. I’ve always been pretty good about focusing but here lately I’m failing. I read forums and do other worthless stuff way to much. I guess everyone gets in these funks. I really need to get out of mine though. My main goal should be to distance myself from reading forums until my checklist for the day is finished.
Deron - wow - you just hit it on the head. That’s exactly the scenario I’m describing. Then once you stop reading forums and force yourself to complete whatever it is your avoiding, you’ll probably have to face the reason you were avoiding it. Man… this comment hits home. I can (obviously) relate. Keep me posted on your journey!
Silence is golden…as they say. And while it’s terribly frightening, it works. Take away our vices (tv, books, internet, food, smoking, etc) and watch out. The mind is a busy place for many of us, and it can wreak serious havoc when we try to quiet it down. As a meditation instructor, I recommend to people that they start with only a few minutes and work their way up to longer periods of time.
I believe that by taking responsibility and holding myself accountable I keep the power to achieve success in my hands. I give away my power when I place blame or create excuses.
Recently I had a great realization about my business. There were things I was putting off and not getting done and finally one day I realized “You know what, I don’t want those activities to be part of my business plan”. That was very freeing. So it may be things aren’t getting done because they really don’t need to!
Wow Stacy - you are so right. Maybe a few minutes a day is a good start. There was a time when I couldn’t even fall asleep without the TV on, because that’s when the thoughts would come racing in. I remember my first period of silence - there was a lot to face after ignoring things for so long. Now I find that noise bothers me. I prefer the silence.
I love your last point and have been experiencing a very similar realization - it is very freeing!
Excellent post Christine.
Your points about forced accountability and having some one to call on your lies are spot on. And so is your point about silence… for half the population.
I would add: Know yourself.
So many folks try to do something just because they see others doing it. You’ve got to know yourself to break down the barriers that are holding YOU down.
For eg: 51% of the world is extroverts. 49% is introverts. Many of the 51% extroverts (the most extreme extroverts) will become worse at their work if they try bringing more silence in their lives.
Richard Feynman - the great quantum physicist (who also won the nobel prize) - used to go to strip clubs and sit and think and theorize there. He needed loud music to think clearly.
Taking an MBTI test helps a lot in letting you know yourself better.
Very good points Ankesh - I absolutely love what you say about many folks doing what they see others doing. The real joy is in finding what works for us individually. Maybe I’ll have to try that strip club approach! lol
Christine - I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your posts in general - but this one is GREAT. Thank you for calling us out of the darkness.. Busy-ness has the ability to destroy people.
I’m looking forward to checking out Dave’s suggestions.
rk
Thank you so much Ryan! I would have to say that busy-ness would certainly have the potential to destroy me. It can rob us of the clarity to see the ‘big picture’ of our lives.
Christine- DELIVERABLES. I used you in my post this am.
My head aches with this one word….well and the others…but up front clarity. Gotta have it.
I can relate to your silence need. I was in fact thinking about this yesterday while doing a meditation.
We are so exposed to constant noise that it is a real challenge to remove the clutter of life and concentrate on what really matters to us.
I like the points you touched in this post since these are the things I have concentrated and focused on myself over the past few months.
It does take some initial trial and error, but once we find a system that works to do all that, things will become more fluent.
Great post as usual Christine.
THERE IS A DANGER in freeing up time (like no TV, newspapers etc) if you are not ready to fill that space with action towards your goals.
The space will get filled with other time wasting activities - I’ll just read this blog, forum, put out the cat, blah, blah, blah!!
You then need to go through the process of freeing up time again.
The issue must be to identify what the real “hold backs” are - deal with those and THEN remove the time wasting.
[…] was reading one of my favourite blogs this morning - Self Made Chick about Deep Dark Challenges, and Christine was talking about going quiet within ourselves to find what is holding us back and […]
Christine: As always, good stuff, right on time, and on everyone’s mind. I wanted to share a bit from a post I did a few months ago about that god-awful-noise-makin’-thing many of us waste our lives on . . . aka, the television.
Relates to your post, so here goes:
Don’t have your dream job yet?
Know what it is or should be? (Or, think you do?)
Don’t have the time to work on finding what it is?
Know what it is, but don’t have the time to pursue it?
Well, friend-o-mine Dream Job Seeker, I ain’t buyin’ it.
Here’s why . . .
If I told you I can GIVE YOU 46 days this year to work on finding your dream job, do you think you could begin pursuing it in that timeframe?
I’ll betcha could.
And, here’s how — no real secret, just plain old common sense and a wee bit-o-willpower.
Secret Answer? Give up one hour of television every day and invest it in yourself and your dream job.
That’s 365 hours this year of mindless TV-watching. Start by dropping any news programs you watch (oh, yucky-poo — nothing but negativity and depressing stories there). If you just gotta “know what’s going on in the world,” add the BBC or NY Times to your home page and scan it in 45 seconds every morning.
So, 365 hours is 46 freakin’ work days a year.
Come 31 December, you can either be 46 full days closer to your dream job, or actually in it, or you can have banked 365 hours of god-awful, brain-dead tube viewing.
Your call, your life.
Whaddaya say, Dream Job Seeker?
I really notice people who never shut up or stop doing things just so they don’t have to face the silence. I feel sad for them.
There is a reason why “silence is golden” but if we don’t shut the hell up and turn things off, we’ll never know what it is.
Facing that fear in the void of silence will lead to the most remarkable life we could ever have imagined.
[…] Well, most of the time. Sometimes we’re not. Sometimes keeping business and personal life (mentally) separate is not such a good idea. Business can affect your personal life, and your personal life can affect business. For that reason, delving deep every once in a while is important. You might just discover some deep dark challenges you didn’t know you were facing. […]
[…] Well, most of the time. Sometimes we’re not. Sometimes keeping business and personal life (mentally) separate is not such a good idea. Business can affect your personal life, and your personal life can affect business. For that reason, delving deep every once in a while is important. You might just discover some deep dark challenges you didn’t know you were facing. […]
Wow, I go off to a conference and leave all my feeds alone for a while and you come up with this.
Thanks, amazing.
I’m coming to this post really late, but I just had to point out the irony. I’ve been struggling all week with a huge project that I’ve been just terrified to start. And even now, with the week almost over, and my paltry progress staring me in the face. I’m reading this blog.
But, blog reading is work, right? It’s part of my research? Motivation? Something? (sigh)
Yeah, I didn’t think so. Just “PROCRASTINATION” under a different name. Thanks for pointing it out Christine! Great post.
Back to work!
Enjoyed your post Christine. It’s ironic that you talk about silence. Rereading Eckhart Tolle’s book on “A New Earth…” and also started reading a book by Richard Mahler called “Stillness”. More and more silence has been showing up in my life.
There’s a quote from Richard Mahler in his book where he says, “…getting away from it all helps us get close to it all. If we are constantly subjected to outside stimulation, we cannot respond to stimuli inside.”
When we get comfortable with the silence we begin to allow more of our dreams and desires come forth and materialize instead of forcing it.
Great post - happy to be back and share.
Blessings,
u alright, shorty?
it’s been a while.
just checking up on you.
[…] have just read an incredibly inspiring article from Self Made Chick called Hunting Down and Exposing Deep Down Challenges. All the articles on this site are insightful, educational and pretty damn interesting! Click around […]
Very nicely written, and I have to admit that it’s difficult for me to bring total peace into my life since I work for myself.
I hope you start wroting more again; I’ve enjoyed reading, but it’s been awhile by now since you’re updated. Hope all is well.
Great….very well-written post. It parallels what I’ve discovered in my own life, that business and financial success seem to flow from having your inner ducks in order.. Some people seem to think the spiritual path and the financial path are mutually exclusive, but I believe they’re actually exactly the same path… Thanks for the great article!
[…] in a while but if you’re interested in writing, you need to check out this fantastic post: Hunting Down And Exposing Deep Dark Challenges Caroline Middlebrook’s blog soared in popularity when visitors read her intelligent and […]
Just checking in…I miss your posts!
Hi Steve! I’m here - and will be posting again soon! I’ll explain in the next post…
I miss these posts too. Hope everything is ok.
Oh Boy,
I really need somebody who can kick my ass.
I always let me wife talk me into something else, while I have so many good ideas to bring to the table that will make some more passive income.
I already get a little passive income per month, but I know that with the ideas in my head, I could make so much more.
I guess I have to kick myself, and just say no sometimes…
Thanks for the inspiration.
Hope you’re doing okay, Christine! I check back now and again and haven’t heard from you in so long. Hopefully it’s because you’re so busy and have so many great things going on!! : )
Looking forward to your next post.
Hi Lesley - great to hear from you! Yes - that is exactly what is going on… been very busy and will tell you all about it as soon as I get a chance to breathe and enough distance from the situation for proper reflection!
Silence is indeed golden. You read my mind! I’ve been without TV for 3 years, and had a self-imposed exile from newspapers for two. Now only gradually introducing them back in–and they’ve downsized! The WSJ is so tiny now. I miss that middle column. What I’ve found is that I missed very little of importance. That in itself is VERY scary! Here is my post that started me thinking: http://facetothesun.com/2008/08/stress-management/reduce-stressing-sounds
thanks to YOUR post for doing the same. G.
Christine, where are you?, I miss you.
Whenever you come back, I’ll be here.
take care…
Ebele - I miss you too! I’m still here - I promise!! I’m learning so many things through trial and error that I hope will really be of value - I’m in the trenches making mistakes and taking risks right now - and will report on everything soon!