How I’ve Been Holding Myself Back And How to Avoid Stagnation In Your Business
By Christine OKelly | February 3, 2008
For the last 6 months or so, I’ve been knowingly stunting my own growth in business. I knew I was doing it, yet I continued. As stupid as this sounds, I wouldn’t be surprised if most people are doing the same thing… and that’s why I wanted to share.
Being comfortable has been the core of my setbacks. It is very easy to become comfortable with a situation that doesn’t at all resemble what we really want out of life. Our level of comfort is defined by many things, starting with our upbringing. We all have standards that we feel are unacceptable to dip below. It is easy - almost natural to pull ourselves up to this level of comfort.
However, if you’re like many people, you want to move beyond your current perception of “comfort” and this can be a much more difficult task. We know that moving forward involves risk, and once we’ve reached a certain level of comfort, we don’t necessarily want to risk losing it. As a result, we can very easily stagnate at a certain level of achievement.
As I’ve discovered, this point of stagnation can kill your growth. In this state of stagnation, we begin collecting all kinds of things including relationships, values, expectations, beliefs, and “things” that begin to clutter our thinking and block our ability to move forward.
From time to time, it is essential that we evaluate our lives and purge things that aren’t serving their purpose any longer or that are getting in the way of our ability to move forward.
Purging Relationships
What has really gotten me thinking about the importance of purging things that are no longer useful is a recent “break up” with one of my clients. Actually, we more or less redefined our relationship rather than completely breaking up. I guess you could say that were are “dating causally” now rather than involved in a steady (but not exclusive) relationship. I knew that I was kind of bored and that this client relationship was stifling my growth for quite some time - but I continued to stay in the relationship! I was turning down much more lucrative opportunities in order to stay in the steady relationship and setting aside personal projects because of lack of time. Why?!?
It Was Emotionally Comfortable
Even as big of a believer as I am about pushing past your comfort zone, I knew I was staying in this relationship because it was comfortable! In the back of my mind, I was irked at myself for doing this didn’t do anything about it until last week. I disguised my limiting behavior by calling it loyalty. And though I am loyal, I was masking the truth. What are the boundaries of loyalty? Are you stifling yourself just because you have a comfortable relationship with someone?
Whether it’s a client/freelancer relationship, a employee/employer relationship, a marriage, or any other type of relationship, we’ve got to constantly evaluate if the relationship is serving our ultimate goals or if we are simply staying in it to be comfortable.
It Was Financially Comfortable
While this wasn’t my only client, this client sent a big chunk of work my way. The money was something I could count on regularly. Though I could have made more doing other projects, the regularity of the secure “paycheck” coming in was comforting. This is fear taking over.
I’ve talked before about creating a void so that new opportunities can flow in. As metaphysical and potentially unrealistic as this sounds - it seems to work every time. Immediately after creating a void in my life, new opportunities flowed into my email box.
Most People Don’t Want You To Evolve
Most people - even some of your closest friends and family - don’t REALLY want you to change. Though this wasn’t an issue in this “break up,” this natural human phenomenon has certainly stifled my growth and happiness at other times. People need you to stay the way you are because you serve a particular purpose for them. They may be afraid that you won’t need them anymore if you do something to better yourself. If you do better yourself, you also bring into sharp relief the fact that the other person hasn’t. There are plenty of reasons why people don’t want you to change.
Just like your first grade teacher who many never see you as anyone but a goofy toothless kid, the clients you take on in the early days may not ever see you as the anything more than what you were when you entered into the relationship. Sometimes, if you need to change, you just need to cut ties and start over.
Action Item: Take inventory of your clients, your friends, and the people in your life. Honestly ask yourself if these are people who are helping you to advance or if they are causing you to stagnate or to actually bring you down. Then…. you know what to do from there.
Purging “Stuff”
I absolutely love getting rid of stuff. I’m kind of the opposite of a horder. I love to throw things away. I really believe that “stuff” can contain an enormous amount of emotional baggage. When you walk by something in your house, you consciously or subconsciously or remember all of the memories associated with it.
One friend of mine who had a nasty divorce told me a story of how his ex wife took a really heavy wooden paper towel dowel and clubbed him with it. Then he pulled the paper towels in his kitchen off the dowel and showed me the dowel! He still kept the thing in his house and used it to hold his paper towels - why?!? This wasn’t the only thing like this in the house that he kept. He said that he wanted to move on, but I wondered how he could possibly move on with so many memories embedded in all of the “stuff” around him.
If something is no longer serving a purpose or doesn’t have positive memories surrounding it, why keep it around?
Action Item: Pick a drawer, a filing cabinet, or an entire room in your house to purge. Instead of going through and picking out what you want to keep, take everything out and only put back things that serve a purpose and have positive memories attached to them.
Purging Limiting Beliefs
Here’s the biggie… Here’s the one that I have the most trouble with… the purging of limiting beliefs. Without knowing it, we learned things about money, relationships, power, comfort, happiness - everything just by osmosis. Unlearning those beliefs that were instilled in us is so difficult, and living up to them is so easy.
My mom’s decision to go to college required a massive and courageous mindset shift on her part. Her family was dirt poor and no one in my family had ever gone to college before. But because she went, she expected that I would go and now my kids expect they will go. Her one act of bravery could have very easily created an entirely new way of thinking in our entire family line from that point forward.
Don’t we owe our future lineage a boost in what they can expect from themselves in life? This sounds great in theory, but how do we know which opportunities and mindsets we are blocking out if they are in fact blocked from our perception of reality?
Today, I was watching one of my guilty pleasures on TV, Real Housewives of Orange County, and saw that one of the couples hired a limo to take them shopping. My first reaction was “I can’t believe they took a limo shopping!” (There’s that word “can’t“). When I heard myself say “can’t” I realized that it wasn’t that I “couldn’t” believe they took a limo shopping, it was that I “wouldn’t” believe they would take a limo shopping.
This was a tip-off to me that I was experiencing a limiting belief. I started looking around at limo companies to see what they charged - to see if I could “try on” this belief, make it part of my reality, and pass on the experience to my kids. At $100 per hour, renting a limo is not something I feel comfortable spending my money on right now, but I’m didn’t want to stop there. Instead, I wrote to one limo company and asked if they would trade services - a new website in exchange for an evening out in a limo.
Action Item: Keep your mind alert to any times when you say “I can’t believe…” This might be a clue about your limiting beliefs.
A Side Note About eBooks!
If you had any limiting beliefs about the potential of ebooks - here’s an antidote! First of all, I want to extend my sincere thanks to everyone who purchased my ebook. I’ve gotten some incredible emails from people who have already put some of the techniques in motion and are already getting business! I’ve also met some great people whose services I will be using.
I’m thrilled to say that this $12 ebook brought in $1,080.00 in 12 days! I had no expectations for sales thrilled with the results. As I mentioned in my last post, you never know when something that has become obvious to you may be very valuable to someone else - so start writing those ebooks!
Topics: Business Development, Business Opportunities |
49 Comments »
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Great post with lots of excellent advice. I also recently purged someone from my life and though it was a difficult decision, it also brought me tremendous peace.
Did the limo company accept the deal?
Congrats Katherine! I just made contact with the limo company today - I’ll keep you posted on the results!
“Most People Don’t Want You To Evolve” is absolutely right. Everyone just keep in mind that when you start doing this, you may get pushback from people you care about (sometimes in some pretty strong ways).
It really helps having a close circle of like-minded achievers on hand to help you overcome what Steve Pavlina so smartly coined “social drag.”
Dave - I’m so glad you commented on this part about getting pushback from people when you try to evolve… It would be interesting to get a collection of stories going about how different people have experienced this. I love Steve Pavlina and am going to search his blog for “social drag” now ~
Good for you, Christine. It’s amazing how much we behave like pre-programmed robots, and how blind we are to it. I know better things are in store for you.
But… Real Housewives of Orange County? Ewww…
Lol - yeah Michael - Real Housewives of Orange County! I told you it was one of my guilty pleasures! I think revealing that little factoid may have been more painful than admitting that I’ve been slowing my own business growth!
Hey Christine, really thought provoking post!
I really enjoyed this one because it hit so close to home for me….I have been procrastinating a bit lately and accepting less than I am worth…and this post really put things into perspective for me!
It is so easy to fall into a comfortable situation in life, and your advice about questioning yourself is so dead-on.
Keep up the great writing and inspiring the up and comers like myself….thanks!
I hear ya Conrad - I think we are ALL guilty of this. As soon as we purge these things that get in our way, more things will creep in to take their place. Keeping a steady flow requires constant attention.
I know you’re going to do great things and am glad to here that you are questioning your comfort! We are all taking this journey together
Christine,
All I can say is “Wow!”
As you know, much of what you described is true in my own life as well. What you said about masking your behavior by calling it loyalty really struck a chord with me. That is EXACTLY what I do all the time.
Once again, I find after reading a new post on SMC, I need to do some work and evaluating on my end. A big Thank You for that!!!
Tara - isn’t that amazing how we can rationalize our behavior - even if it doesn’t serve us? Why do we do this?!?!
Great post. I did a lot of letting go at the end of 2007 and wrote and spoke quite a bit about it. I see a lot of folks in my life holding on to relationships for fear of being alone, colleagues afraid of getting rid of clients because of money and even emotionally in folks who have been, for example, divorced for years but still hold on to the pain.
I let go of a client at the beginning of 2007 who was the bulk of my income because emotionally it was draining me. Losing that client gave me the time I needed to focus on the true direction of my business. I also got 3 new client inquiries that same week.
I have recently let go of people and things that weren’t serving me and it while challenging, it is always the best decision for me. I’ve experienced it and I believe it works. My shoulders always feel lighter when I do. A lot of physical tension (think neck/shoulders) is a result of holding on. Letting go is very freeing! Thanks for the reminder!
Stacy,
Hearing your story was so refreshing. Hearing your story makes me feel more certain about this decision. I hope that your story inspires other to do the same. “Back to Your Senses” is a great name for your blog!
First of all, I want to extend my sincere thanks to everyone who purchased my ebook.
You’re welcome.
I think your ebook was one of the first ones that I took action on…wrote answers to your questions about deliverables and such. I then went back to those questions over the weekend and honed the deliverables even more. I may go through it just one more time to make sure I’ve got that part down ahead of time, as you suggested. 
As for stagnating and purging and all…for the past month, I’ve been throwing out a LOT of stuff at home. It’s amazing how much can accumulate, even in a little house. It’s so…refreshing…and the feeling of accomplishment is wonderful!
Oh, and as for being comfortable? If you had the cruddy year I had last year (personally, that is), and then the news that your job might be gonzo by the middle of 2008…well, I think that would make anyone to start purging and reevaluating their life.
Thanks for the insightful post.
~Nancy
How cool Nancy - I am so glad to hear the you took action with this book! That means so much to me.
That’s scary and yet exciting to hear that your job may end in 2008. Sometimes, a loss like this is just the kind of push we need to make a big change. Regardless of the outcome, I’m sure you will be just fine - and probably even better!
If I were to get rid of all the things in my life that remind me of past failures the only things that would remain are my wife and my dog. I think for me it’s a matter of developing a new way of looking at some of the things in my life. In most of them is also an element of success. I need to reframe my perceptions. And get rid of some of the clutter.
Good post by the way!
lol Jim! I hear ya… There have been times where I’ve given away everything - in fact, I just did that in July. I got rid of all of my furniture (couches, tables, beds, everything) and started all over. It felt really good.
That’s a good idea though about reframing your perception!
Christine
Peter & I were talking about the cycles that we go through in life. Struggle, grow, comfort, frustration, struggle, grow, comfort … I often see people get stuck in any of the stages. I have been reading a book on mastery that says most of life is about the plateaus. Learning to find joy in the plateaus is necessary. Just thinking about it.
That’s interesting Shane to think that we can get stuck in one of these other stages (struggle, growth, frustration)… very interesting! For me, I get tend to get stuck in the comfort zone, but I can see how some people could get stuck in any of these other areas.
What is the book you’re reading on mastery - sounds interesting!
Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment by George Leonard
Hi, Christine! Thanks for writing such an insightful and thought-provoking post. A friend forwarded this entry to me because the part about others not wanting you to evolve reminded her of my blog entry on the same topic.
In reading your post, I also saw myself in your comments about purging limiting beliefs. It was hard to identify those beliefs and harder still to lose them….not that I’m always successful!
You might be interested in the Vacuum Law of Prosperity, which simply states that you have to get rid of what you don’t want to make room for what you do want. Whether it’s possessions, paper or people, the Vacuum Law of Prosperity works wonders!
I also appreciated your comments about the thrilling success of your e-book. I have an e-book in mind, and your encouragement is just what I need to start writing it!
Thanks again for an excellent post, and best wishes for your continued success!
Karen Commins
www.AVOICEAboveTheCrowd.com
www.KarenBlogs.com
Wow Karen - your post is uncanny! I love the title: How to lose friends and irritate people
To quote you: “When you decide to go after your goals, your friends and family will change their attitudes about you. In many cases, that change won’t be a positive one.”
This is great - wow. This whole concept is so interesting to me…. This reaction of people not wanting you to change is something that seems to cut across all cultures, ages, and demographics. It’s fascinating…
I guess the flip side of the coin is to make sure that we don’t do this to other people.
I’m glad you are moving forward and pursuing your dreams despite the negative pushback from Don, Erica, and probably many other people.
Hi Christine - what an inspirational post. I am writing an ebook and I did wonder if they actually sell, unless you’re one of these mega famous bloggers. So, this info is encouraging.
Staying within your comfort zone can be one of the worst things for your business can’t it? Yesterday I blogged about selling my business and starting again because it wasn’t taking me towards my main goals.
Many people thought I was mad, because I was making a fantastic amount of money; and i was giving it all up to start again. But, for me, the benefits of moving on outweighed the financial benefits.
And your point about future generations being affected by your decisions is a great one. If you go out and achieve your goals, you are showing them that it is possible to achieve whatever they want in life.
Hi Catherine! I wondered the same thing about selling ebooks - apparently, you don’t have to be a mega blogger.
However, I think having a blog is a huge part of the ebook’s sales. I was thinking about how difficult it would have been to get the same results with a traditional website - even if I employed all of the best SEO tactics out there. I don’t think the results would have even come close.
The web is changing the world of business in some exciting and powerful ways!
Christine,
I enjoyed this insightful post.
And yes, you’re right, many people do this! Self analysis & the right support system helps us work past our limitations and thrive.
Awesomely done, fellow self-made-chick!
I love reading growth stuff like this!
Sincerely,
Meg Meyer
Hey fellow self-made-chick! Agreed - constant self analysis can be one of the fastest route to growth… the problem is actually doing it!
Boy, did this post resonate with me…. and help me to realise a few home truths.
It is always so comforting to know that you are not the only one going through these issues — there is so much talk about “onwards and upwards” and this whole rockstar/entrepeneur speak that sometimes I wonder if I just see things differently or what
I had to make some hard decisions this month, mostly to do with client “break ups”, and whether particular clients were good for my life…
Anyway, thanksfor complimenting my work on Ittybiz, i’ll sub tour feed now
Hi Téa! Your comment over at Itty Biz REALLY stood out to me… it rare to ever read something so honest - you are definitely not alone.
I read a lot of books and listen to a lot of audios on success - and it seems as if they really leave the STRUGGLE out - for me, this leaves me feeling disconnected. As if they were somehow stronger than me and therefore able to achieve easier.
I’m much more moved and empowered by hearing about people who have succeeded despite having real, human weakness just like we ALL have. Your story in that comment was just awesome!
Great blog post, keep it up
i was getting comfortable at my last job even though i hated it and really saw no future there so i did what any logical motherfucker would do, i decided to get fired. being fired was great all that anxiety out the window and it really forced me to get creative with money making (pimping, drug dealing, and freelance).
Awesome Michael - It is liberating when you make the decision that you’re ready to get fired. Congrats on getting canned!
Hello! Great pep talk. I was talking about this exact issue with a friend, and I’d love to share it. Do any bloggers have the buttons (that newspapers do) to forward articles?
Hi Jeanne! Feel free to post the link to the article here in the comments section - I’d love to see it!
Great post. I’m hoping I can ‘break up’ with my day job and go freelance full-time soon. Guess I better buy that e-book!
Jason, I figure if you don’t break up with your day job, your day job will eventually break up with you! I watched my mom kick a** as a rockin business chick for years only to get dumped for something really stupid. After that, I decided that I was never going to trust an employer with my heart ever again!
Great advice! I’m knowingly holding myself back a little bit because I’m growing so quickly. I think it might be time to increase my rates!
Go for it Erica! If you’re thinking that it’s time to increase your rates, it probably is! As we grow and hone our skills more, it only makes sense to adjust our rates to reflect the value we can now bring to the table.
Be prepared for some of your regular clients to break up with you over it… or for you to find so many better paying gigs that you end up breaking up with them. Either way, it’s a positive for you!
Nice blog Christine. I also just bought and read your ebook. That has some really great, motivating tips in it.
I really had a problem with being comfortable with my professional situation… up until about october of last year. That’s when I accepted the fact that I truly hate my job. I started taking web design classes, and am now trying to break into that field. The only bad thing is, I’m still at my crappy job.
I think I need a little advice from one web designer to one future web designer. What’s the best way to get practice designing, without wasting other people’s time and money? I’d love to volunteer my work, but I fear (there’s that word!!) that I need more experience before I can give an organization a satisfactory website.
So beside all of that, keep up the good work. I’m glad I found your blog!!
I was reading a book today by Larry Winget called “You’re Broke Because You Want To Be” and I came to one of the last chapters where Larry tells a story about a lesson his Dad taught him.
Larry had grown up on a farm and his Dad told him as he carried a calf around his arms, that the calf would grow a little each day and that the only way to keep lifting it was to lift it each day. If he missed a day, he would no longer be able to pick it up.
Larry lifted the calf each day for a few weeks…and then missed a day. When he tried to the lift the calf again he could do it, but just barely. Then he missed a couple more days, and when he tried he could no longer lift it.
I thought about your post and how this applies to my business…as my calf gets bigger, I’ve to stay committed to picking it up each day.
John
[…] How I’ve Been Holding Myself Back And How to Avoid Stagnation In Your Business Time to stop being comfortable and start making progress toward your goals. […]
Hi Christine
Once again you’ve been on target with powerful insights that came just at the time I needed some answers (even though I hadn’t realized I had any questions!!!)
It’s relatively easy to take a risk and make a change when your life is a wreck. It is much harder to make a change when things are going well. It’s difficult to pull out of your comfort zone and look around to decide “hmmmm….what should I break?”
True leaders (of businesses, government, families, lives)proactively create the problems that need to be solved, rather than waiting to be surprised by them.
Kudos for you for taking inventory of your life and forcing yourself out of your comfort zone.
You’ve definitely given me inspiration and a significant mental challenge.
…and I thought this was going to be a boring weekend!!
Liz
One of my biggest fears is being in my last moment, knowing I’ve not lived the life I wanted to.
A big part of the battle is stepping outside the copious amounts of comfort zones I’ve built up over my life, ‘purging limiting beliefs’ as you say.
There’s also what you mentioned about boosting the future lineage. I do worry about the life lessons I’m passing on to my nephews.
So it’s not just about me, is it? But it’s gotta start with me though.
Thank you, as always, for sharing, Christine.
take care…
[…] Chick wrote a great article on breaking out of her comfort zone to reach new heights in her article How I’ve Been Holding Myself Back and How to Avoid Stagnation in Your Business. Christine’s article is a reminder that we sometimes need to let go of the comfortable and […]
Christine,
GREAT article. Pushing past our ‘comfort level’ is really hard for us. We get into a rut — and as depressing as it is — we like to stay there.
Anyway — wanted to chime in — i loved this article and plan to share it with others.
Good stuff — keep up the great work!
Hi Kelly - I’m so glad to have found your blog! You’ve got a ton of great info here - I just subscribed and am headed back over to read about your 4 Hour Workweek experiment!
[…] Christine O’Kelly @ Self Made Chick wrote a wonderful essay: How I’m Holding Myself Back And How To Avoid Stagnation In Your Business. […]
[…] Self-Made Chick […]
[…] Christine O’Kelly @ Self Made Chick wrote a wonderful essay: How I’m Holding Myself Back And How To Avoid Stagnation In Your Business. […]
[…] How I’ve Been Holding Myself Back And How to Avoid Stagnation In Your Business Have you been holding yourself back by staying comfortable? Christine tells you how to break free of limiting beliefs. […]
Hello,
Thank you for your article, I was just sitting at my computer thinking to myself “I am the only one holding me back” and just decided to type in those words in the internet and your page popped up. Your words are true. I will stop holding myself back from those things that I know I should have. Once again, thank you for putting this on the web. No more thinking only, now I am a doer.
Lisa