One Word that Can Change Your Reality and Perception of What Is Possible
By Christine OKelly | September 28, 2007
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The concept was simple, and only involved removing one word from my vocabulary and replacing it with another. But actually removing this one word from my vocabulary was more difficult than I imagined and led me to discover all kinds of things that I was hiding from my own self.
What I discovered when I replaced this word was that I gained 100% control over my life. The other fun thing that I found is that by being keenly aware of how others use this word, you can instantly read through their own doubts and insecurities about themselves and immediately realize where their priorities lie.
The One Word
The word that I almost completely removed from my vocabulary was “CAN’T” and the word I replaced it with was “WON’T.”
I’m telling you, this sounds so simple and perhaps inconsequential until you actually try it yourself.
Look at the difference in these two sentences:
“I can’t get enough leads to make enough sales.”
“I won’t get enough leads to make enough sales.”
The second statement begs the question – Well Why Not? Why won’t you get enough leads to make the sales you want to make? Not motivated enough? Not willing to do what it takes to get those leads? Don’t believe you can really be successful? Plenty of people CAN get enough leads to make enough sales, so it’s not a REAL can’t.
Some other things I used to tell myself were:
- I can’t buy that car
- I can’t take a vacation
- I can’t find a mentor
- I can’t figure out what it takes to be rich
You may find that you can in fact “buy that car” but may “choose not to” buy that car. This is much more empowering than you going around thinking that you CAN’T buy that car.
I’ve studied this phenomenon over the past 4-5 years and I’ve found that the more successful a person is, the less often they say the word can’t. Unsuccessful people use the word can’t constantly.
The measure I used to determine if something is really a “can’t” is this. If my family were being held hostage and the only way I could set them free was by doing this action, could I do it? 99.9% of the time, you could.
X-Ray Vision Into The Psyche of Others
The most exciting thing about being aware of can’t and won’t is that most people don’t know about it. Because of this, you can see right through the lies they tell themselves and you.
Warning – you may not want to call people out on this – I’ve tried it. People tend to get very defensive.
For example, my mom was telling me about how she “can’t” get over this relationship that has ended. I told her, of course you can, you just won’t – you choose not to get over it. Why won’t you get over it and move on? She freaked out, started yelling, and insisted that it really was impossible to get over it.
When the boss or your client tells you that they can’t pay you more, what they are saying is that they won’t pay you more. Kind of irritating when you think of it that way huh?
If they really valued what you were doing enough, they could figure out a way to pay you more. If they don’t value what you are providing enough, you need to ask yourself why.
Try It
I really, really hope that you try this. Start being highly aware of when you or other’s use the word “can’t.” Then repeat the sentence in your mind by replacing the word “can’t” with the word “won’t” and analyze this sentence.
Please share what you hear out in the world! I LOVE to hear about what people say they can’t do. Believe me, I am by no means free of critical self-talk so am not above this. But I find that hearing what other people say they can’t do is very empowering.
Have fun with this!
An Announcement! Congratulations to Lodewijkvdb! He is the proud owner of a copy of Tim Ferris’ 4-Hour Work Week just for calling me out on my errors! (see contest previous post) Congrats!
Topics: Business Development |
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Hooray! Thank you very much! Lots of reading to do these days
And I love this post. Definitely going to try this version. I usually ask myself questions like “What’s holding me back?” or “What would I do if I could?”. They are easier to use when you talk to other people
They will discover that they have a reason why they “can’t” or (more probable) that there’s no reason at all!
People may not do anything with that insight though. Sometimes realizing that you’re the one that’s holding yourself back to getting what you want is, is scarier than muddling along and blaming others…
Its amazing because the “cant” and “wont” situation is so much more than just a play on words. It becomes almost a surreal thought pattern that people let control them. You bring about great points!
Several years ago I read this in a book, and boy does it ever make a difference. There is a lot more power in saying won’t too, because won’t is a choice and it puts you in the power position instead of the victim role.
Smart thinking, and a good use of traffic time.
I really like this post. Personal responsibility is in short supply. Are you familiar with Larry Winget? You sound a lot like him. Here’s a gem from him in that same vein:
“Everything in your life gets better when you get better, and nothing is ever going to get better until you get better.”
I am truly amazed and feel like such a little guy now that I am spending more time trying to get known and seeing all the real bloggers hard at work. Makes me wander if my blog is going in the right direction as far as content.
Nice post and you got a new regular reader here.
Actually you have the theory of can’t and won’t backwards.
Let me explain.
Can’t is a skill issue.
Won’t is an attitude issue.
In sales the difference between can’t and won’t is 100 grand a year in income.
If a salesperson thinks a certain goal is unatainable, this is a skill issue. Skills can be taught and learned. Out of the thousands of people I have mentored and taught the word can’t means “I don’t know how to do it”. Teach me. Most people who use the terminology “can’t” are only ignorant of the opportunities available.
Now if a person adopts the “I won’t do this” posture, this is an attitude issue.
The best way a salesperson can limit their income (and all of the baggage that goes with it) is to adopt and live the won’t attitude.
It is a lot easier to teach a person who “can’t” instead of a person who “won’t”.
You can make money or you can make excuses, but you can’t make both.
Want to get better? Invest in your future and enroll in a training curriculum to improve your skills. When your skills improve, your attitude improves, then your sales and income improve and life gets a lot better.
Russ Mullin
www.maxmysales.com
True. All very true. It’s amazing that people will react violently when you point out a simple truth. I believe people like the word “can’t” because they don’t feel responsible. It is human nature to run away from responsibility as it only means more commitment.
I don’t totally agree with Russ’s comments. I think “can’t” is often just an excuse rather than a skill issue. It is also a softer way of letting someone down. I “can’t” come to the *** with you rather than I “won’t”. Won’t is somehow much more personal in this situation!
A great way to overcome these obstacles is to use the following phrase to yourself “if there was no obstacle to my achieving this what action would I take?” Suddenly the can’t has disappeared and you are focusing on the can.
Hi Christine.
I’ve also come to think much the same about the words “should” and “ought”. They are so restricting. When I think of them I “see” doors being bolted closed and chained off with giant padlocks.
It’s a bit like, “You can’t do that, because you should be doing…” [Insert whatever you think or are told you ought to be doing].
Your blog is great, Christine, and I’m looking forward to delving deeper.
TrishA
MadDancer- a great thing to do is replace should with could.
Try it, I think you’ll like it.
Good distinction - resonates with all the modern work on sould and spirituality
It’s a great post and certainly elicited some interesting comments. So much in life depends on our mindset, we are what we think. Our words are a reflection of our thoughts therefore we are wise to chose them carefully, be they can’t or won’t. My guess is we’d prefer to hear I can and I will.
[…] Made Chick author Christine O’Kelly recently decided to no longer say “Can’t,” and in its place, always say “Won’t.” The empowerment she now feels can easily be […]
I just came across your blog and I absolutely love it! Your posts are not only informative, but they’re also easy and fun to read! You definitely have a new regular reader!
Another favorite of mine is can/may/will. Can an extremely incorrectly overused word.
For instance, “can you do XXX for me?” as opposed “Will you do XXX for me?”
The first is asking if someone has the ability to perform XXX, whereas the second is a direct request. It may sound abrupt, however it is what you may be asking for, so ask directly.
The may/can example comes to me from high school, Student “Can I go to the toilet Sir?”
Teacher “I do not know, can you?”
This particular teacher insisted that we use the word may, as in “May I go to the toilet”
I find the can/may/will quite interesting that so few people use correctly. I also find empowerment in changing my requests from can to will.
Yeah, found your article through lifehack.org. Great thing what you discovered, to change these two words. It’s one thing to talk about whats good and another to do it yourself. So it’s interesting to read this.
So yeah, lets say won’t instead of can’t. I try it.
That was great!
Another way to motivate other people and myself!
I’m a Leadership Trainor and a Lecturer but I never encountered the “won’t and can’t” issue! You’ve given me now an additional tool to encourage and motivate other people to keep on going beyond from where they are!
Keep it up!
Nice new blog - thanks!
Ever hear the term “self-efficacy”? Coined by Albert Bandura, it’s our judgment that we can execute a target behavior. The story goes that in grad school he was studying phobics - who kept saying “I can’t” when in reality it was “I won’t”. He realized that this is key lever in human thinking, that we have to believe that we can - but they may require dismissing barriers that really aren’t…
However, the phobics really did believe that they could not (e.g., touch even a wooden snake); it runs deep.
What’s interesting is when you find a way for people to get past “I can’t”…when they start performing the behavior, they often say “I will”, LOL.
Anyway, I study opportunity perception and entrepreneurial intentions - intent is associated with two key perceptions: seeing the action as desirable and seeing it as feasible (”I want to” & “I can”). That make it interesting - to say “I can’t” when it’s really “I won’t” and yet I still very much think “I want to”… Not exactly conducive to bold action, LOL.
Anyway, if I can ever be of service, just holler!
Norris
(I may have a PhD but I’m an entrepreneur & economic developer first - how can I help?)
Excellent discovery and article Christine! If you have read my work, you know that I am a huge believer in the Slight-Edge Principle, where minute changes make huge differneces, especially when applied over time.
Congratulations and kudos to you for discovering this marvelous fact by utilizing a small change in your vocabulary. So many people shrug personal responsibility and play the blame game, thus getting nowhere. I know that you’ll be going places! Make it a great day!
I have to semi-agree with Russ Mullin. I find it useful to determine the actual reason behind the “Can’t.”
For example, “I don’t know how to make that home improvement myself.” At some point there’s a “Won’t,” so you’ve still got something there.
“I won’t invest the time to learn how to do it myself. I would rather pay a professional.”
what do you say when you reach your level of incompentancy?
I think their are a lot of times when “I Can’t” is a legitimate truth. as well as I won’t.
Positive thinking is fine but if you go too far, you can lose your reasoning powers…
I’d rather my answer (won’t or can’t)reflect the situation.(and try not to be too fanitical on myself)
I like this post, intersting…
awesome, christine! (look at all of your comments!!!!) i love this topic. and i agree with mark (wizzer) in that this has nothing to do with skills, it’s all about the attitude. the attitude comes first, skills are a result of that attitude. and i completely disagree with bob. what is a level of incompetency? are you saying we all cap out at some level of intelligence and no matter what, we can’t break through? baloney. how can positive thinking cause you to lose your reasoning powers? we’re talking about how to achieve realistic goals in life, not talking ourselves into the idea that we can fly by flapping our arms.
well, it just seems bad practice to limit your thinking one way or another… afterall, we are supposed to be free thinkers… if we can’t trust our minds or ourselves (by thinking and with reason)to choose which answer is correct for a given situation, who can you trust if not yourself?lol
but chanting to yourself “i cannot fail” or eliminating a single word from our vocabulary doesn’t seem like the right direction we should be taking.
Now, the question “I” might be asking myself while in a car in horrible traffic would be “how did I let myself get into this and what can I do to avoid it in the future?”…
but in all fairness she writes that it was a “ah ha” moment and those can’t be underestimated or ignored either… could be, that’s just what she needed?
erin, I’m not saying “we all” do anything but yeah, some people top out at some level… i think it’s called the peter principle or something… I’m not an expert on this but I’ve heard of it in polite company.
and, yep, positive thinking (if you go too far) can cause you to overlook other options or opportunities… like anything, taken too far can cause you some tunnel vision.
i don’t see how thinking “in the box” or some scripted mantra or elimination of a word encourages free thinking or will help with achieving realistic goals?
but if it works for you than it’s just fine with me:)
On the other hand, I got a lot out of the little red engine that could book…”i think i can, i think i can…:)
These are some amazing comments! As I mentioned in the post title, the can’t/won’t issue can get pretty heated!
I understand the skill limit argument - but I think the key is to apply can’t/won’t switch to the END GOAL, not the steps it takes to get there. To often, we think we know how to achieve something - but that is exactly where the problem is. THIS is the thinking we need to move beyond.
I’ll go back to the example of “I can’t get enough leads to make enough sales.”
If you have determined that you need to make 300 phone calls each week to get the number of qualified leads you desire, you might feel like you “can’t” possibly achieve this. It would be mighty difficult and draining for a solo entrepreneur to make that many calls per week. But the restriction is the method of achieving the goal, not the goal itself of achieving the number of leads you desire.
Staying focused on the END GOAL of getting the leads you desire and asking yourself why you “won’t” figure how how to get those leads, you are forced to think outside of your own box.
Knowing that it IS a copout to say you can’t generate the leads (other people can do it, why not you?), you may come up with solutions you never thought of before such as outsourcing your lead generation to an organization who could do it (and perhaps, be even better at it!).
I really like Fiar’s way of thinking here:
“For example, “I don’t know how to make that home improvement myself.” At some point there’s a “Won’t,” so you’ve still got something there.
“I won’t invest the time to learn how to do it myself. I would rather pay a professional.”
I also like the way Erin puts the focus on the END GOAL, rather than the execution of the goal here:
“We’re talking about how to achieve realistic goals in life, not talking ourselves into the idea that we can fly by flapping our arms.”
All of the observations here in the comments are excellent. I think if we keep at this and challenging our way of thinking, we will all achieve anything we set our minds to.
Wow. This post got you added to my feed reader.
Thanks!
I thought this was great! I work with the words “get to” instead of “have to” as in I have to go to the doctor…I get to go to the doctor because I live where there is medical help and it is available to me. Or I have to go to work…I get to go to work because I am healthy and able to work and have a job and have an income and I get to be of help to someone today. Keep changing those words and it changes your life.
Brilliant idea, I’ll put it into practice immediately. Found the site through Lifehack.org, and just subscribed to your RSS feed. Cheers!
[…] it had disappeared for a little while and i hadn’t really realized it until i read her article. it’s […]
You hit the nail on the head (and sure inspired a lot of responses)! My child is not allowed to use the word “can’t” - maybe extreme but it forces him to think of solutions rather than just giving up with “I can’t.” Thanks.
Go ride!
[…] One Word that Can Change Your Reality and Really Piss Off Other People - [SelfMadeChick] […]
[…] Back when I used to sit in traffic several hours a day, I had a LOT of time to think. During one of those excruciatingly boring hours, had an a-ha moment that has made a phenomenal impact on my life.The concept was simple, and only involved removing one word from my vocabulary and replacing it with another. But actually removing this one word from my vocabulary was more difficult than I imagined and led me to discover all kinds of things that I was hiding from my own self.SelfMadeChick.com September 28, 2007 […]
Hi..I got a link to this blog from mercola.com and I enjoyed reading it. There is a technique that may be helpful for those who wish to institute this change in their vocabulary. It is called EFT. It is a simple self applied energy redirection technique that has shown great success. The simple information on how to apply it is available at mercola.com (enter EFT into search) or free on the founders’ site.
http://www.emofree.com/
[…] SelfMadeChick.com September 28, 2007 Sphere: Related Content […]
I appreciate the concept of “can’t” vs. “won’t”. It reminds me that we all “can” accept the forgiveness that Christ gives us for eternal salvation and to be with the Lord in heaven. The question is “will” or “won’t” you accept His offer?…
[…] Replace “can’t” with “won’t” […]
Yes. This is quite the revelation. I read about this very thing some years ago in a very thought-provoking little book called “The Little Engine That Could”. After all, isn’t “could” the polar opposite of “can’t”?
For those of us that suffer from debilitating and crippling emotional depression, “can’t” and “won’t” don’t enter into the equasion. We are simply “unable” to do anything about our situation. I’ve gone to therapy, and tried various anti-depressants over the years. The therapy was useless and the anti-depressants turned me into a happy zombie, with no real motivation or desire to deal with life in any substantive life-changing way.
Believe it or not, I do truly believe in the powers of negative and positive energy. Most people will tell you that I’m a fairly easy going and even keeled person. But little do they know or understand that I’m actually in a dark dungeon of clinical depression.
I used to be an incredibly talented and unstoppable illustrator and painter. Everyone told me that I was truly going places. I have barely drawn or painted anything in almost 10 years that wasn’t strictly a paid assignment. All motivation, desire and just the pure joy of doing artwork has left me. I don’t blame anyone or anything for my circumstances. I used to wallow in self pity and simply blame myself for my lack of drive and motivation.
But, I’ve come to realize there is no one to blame at all. This is simply the way it is for myself and so many thousands of other lost souls out there.
So, for me it isn’t about “can’t” or “won’t”, but simply that I’m “unable” to climb out of this black place they call clinical depression. I’m all for positive thinking. But clearly, people like me are in need of something a little more drastic to help us live any kind of normal life, let alone be happy and successful too.
Obviously, I’m open to any suggestions. Thanks for listening.
I have done this for years and it really works. The gift of “Can’t never could” was given to me by a friend each time I said “I can’t”. This broke the habit of “Can’t” for me. If you want to move forward in knowing yourself better…just simple ask for the help and wonderful things like this will come to you. Thanks for the reminder of how good it feels to have “Can’t” out of my vocabulary.
For A Smithee:
I was going to mention EFT, which I discovered a couple of years ago, but then saw post #34 already did. I’ve been researching EFT and am fascinated by its effectiveness. Go to the EFT homepage mentioned: emofree.com. Click on “Depression” and read ALL the articles. Also check out thrivingnow.com and click on “depression” for some excellent articles.
Then find yourself a counselor or therapist who is trained in EFT. It is important to work with someone trained and not do it yourself at the beginning so you learn it properly. In some cases, this can be done over the phone.
EFT works on retraining and rebalancing your energy system - your emotional responses - in ways that thinking positive by itself doesn’t. You tap on acupuncture meridian intersections. Some call it psychological acupuncture.
Also, if your diet is junk food, make a small change - buy canned sardines and make sandwiches -
add salsa, anything to make it tasty. Sardines are one of the best foods on the planet - high in protein and Essential Fatty Acids - important for brain chemistry. Also cut down on soda, sugar, white flour - any refined brown or white foods and add some color - fruits, vegetables.
Hope this helps.
oh here is another one to try ..I have been married 23 years and I FINALLY got a handle on my PASSIVE husband who says GRAY words most of the time such as…”I can..” instead of I WILL….or “it seems”….instead of IT IS…..or “maybe” instead of a YES or NO….these kind of people REFUSE to commit to anything and therefore can never be held accountable or responsible for anything….its a VICTIM mentality and it WEARS everyone else around them OUT!!! you can never call them on the carpet because they are always in denial or dance around the issue…BLACK and WHITE do not EXIST for them because they need a backdoor to run out of and escape reality!
I blame his WUSS mother who allowed him to grow up this way with NO accountability….being a MOTHER entails MUCH MORE than just Birthing a child into this world!
Wow - everyone has shared such an incredibly diverse range of stories here! I absolutely love reading these comments as they come in… This concept really has become instrumental in taking control my own life. It is so incredible to see that so many other people understand how powerful this thought process can be.
That’s interesting that you point this out. I’ve actually thought about that before also. Of course not in such depth though. I try to implement it in my life when possible. I don’t always, but it really can give you a different mindset.
[…] One Word that Can Change Your Reality and Really Piss Off Other People by Christine O’Kelly at Self Made Chick. She gets the best-post-ever award in my book. […]
Wow! So powerful. I love this article. I’m going to be thinking about this all day! Thank you!
Dave Navarro directed me to this site today from his blog.(http://www.davenavarro.com/wealthblog/)
With no income at present, these sites hit home with me as to how my thinking was blocking my needed actions to get out of my situation, that I have put myself into.
With future calls from debtors, I will definitely have different responses for them. (More steps that I will take, to take care of my debt to them, instead of I “can’t” see where the money will come from.)
Taking responsibility for my previous “can’ts”, will help me get ideas to finding a way or many ways to control what actions got me into this mess.
Now, on to finding those ways…..
Thanks for the word to eliminate…
I am usually very mindful about the words I speak, especially the words I speak to myself. However, I am guilty of using the word “can’t” and doing so unconsciously. My partner is always pointing it out to me when I use “can’t” and I have to check myself. Most often what I want to say is simply, “No.” Often that is a complete sentence! “No.” Period. No explanations! LOL
Great idea. Some basic and obvious psychology. Yep, to root out negativity, one must pay attention on the words she or he uses. I don’t ever say “can’t” or “this is impossible”. Or “I must ….. this, otherwise I will have to…”. I have thrown out limiting beliefs a long time ago.
And yes, it is fascinating how people become defensive (and often pass into an attack mode) when you start to poke around their beliefs.
The problem is that people like self-pity, like to wallow in despair and project their own problems and shortcomings onto others. Even for the smallest things! This is in most cases because of laziness. Acknowledging that something is wrong with our own selves or that we are at the root of most of our own problems is half of the battle. Yep, but people won’t do it, because then they wouldn’t have any pretext not to move their lazy asses and actually do something to improve themselves.
That’s the reason I never ever listen to any whiners. Energy leeches and losers.
Very good analysis and advice. The blogging niche I’ve chosen to throw my major efforts into … helping seniors and retirees empower their retirement online is absolutely rife with “can’ts”. (I’m 62 myself, I know whereof I speak)
Our society has taught for years that only the young can do … when you’re old, you can’t. In 99% of the cases sited … even running a marathon, this is just unadulterated hogwash.
Whether you will or you won’t is your decision, but a tag line I often use is, “Do not tell me you Can’t”.
Another word we should think of banning is “try”. As Yoda once wisely intoned, “Do, or Do Not, there is no Try.”
Great article! Really puts things in perspective.
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